Building Trust with Difficult People

Steps for Building TRUST with Difficult People

 

Start with self:  This means, start with basic transformative thinking that Stephen Covey teaches.  Maybe your words, deeds, behaviors are contributing to the problem.  Maybe you are misunderstood or perhaps you are miscommunicating.  I’m not suggesting that the other person’s adversarial behavior is your fault.  Nevertheless, self examination is always helpful because you are the only part of the equation you can control.  Examine your intent, as well as your credibility.  Also ask yourself if you’re truly willing to actively work on improving situation – not just expecting the other person to change, but you must be willing to make efforts and changes yourself. 

 

Let your motives be known. 

When you verbally state your intentions, this demonstrates you have an open (not hidden) agenda.  You might say something like this to other party: “There is obviously some tension in our working relationship and I want to improve it.”  It’s just that simple.  That’s the conversation starter that will lead to the rest of the process.  People will cooperate when they know your motives are honorable. As Ken Blanchard explains in Whale Done, 'you can't train a whale until you first convince him on your intentions.'

 

Separate the person from the behavior.

Tell your nemesis that what they are doing bothers them.  For example: “When you interrupt me…, or when you laugh at me…, or when you ignore, I feel disrespected.  Don’t say,  “you’re rude, you’re fake, you’re a chauvinist.”   When people feel attacked they don’t cooperate.  You can expect to finish the same way you start.  If you start with an attack the dialogue will be filled with mutual attack.  When you start out calmly and rationally, you are more likely to get calm, rational behavior in response.  Of course, everyone doesn’t respond to kindness with kindness, but it’s a more successful way to begin a conversation.  Then, ask for the behavior you want.  Make a request.  Say something like:  “I would prefer that you refrain from name calling and character judgments when we speak”.   That’s different than telling someone:  “I need you to stop being a tyrant.”

 

Listen.

As you are making suggestion, voicing requests, and declaring expectation, you have an opportunity to listen and learn.   Again, this is a dialogue, one that you may have initiated but you don’t have to dominate.  It’s important to gain understanding of the other person’s thoughts, feelings, needs and rationale.  This is one of the key leadership principle Dale Carnegie teaches in How To Win Friends and Influence People.

Be Courageous. 

When dealing with the person with whom you have a strained relationship, low trust levels, and skepticism, you will need to be courageous.  Approaching it, addressing it and attacking it (the problem, not the person) takes a brave soul.  Your ‘adversary’ may be surprised or cynical or even unwilling to work through it.  However, the more you practice these steps with them, the more they will see your efforts are sincere.  Being courageous also means you won’t talk yourself out of it.  You may think you situation is hopeful, it can be repaired, these techniques might work for others, but what you’re dealing with is insurmountable.  To that argument I say, you might as well try anyway.  Don’t quit before you start!  If it doesn’t work, you’ve lost nothing.  But if it works, imagine the possibilities!