Building Trust with Difficult People

Steps for Building TRUST with Difficult People

 

Start with self:  This means, start with basic transformative thinking that Stephen Covey teaches.  Maybe your words, deeds, behaviors are contributing to the problem.  Maybe you are misunderstood or perhaps you are miscommunicating.  I’m not suggesting that the other person’s adversarial behavior is your fault.  Nevertheless, self examination is always helpful because you are the only part of the equation you can control.  Examine your intent, as well as your credibility.  Also ask yourself if you’re truly willing to actively work on improving situation – not just expecting the other person to change, but you must be willing to make efforts and changes yourself. 

 

Let your motives be known. 

When you verbally state your intentions, this demonstrates you have an open (not hidden) agenda.  You might say something like this to other party: “There is obviously some tension in our working relationship and I want to improve it.”  It’s just that simple.  That’s the conversation starter that will lead to the rest of the process.  People will cooperate when they know your motives are honorable. As Ken Blanchard explains in Whale Done, 'you can't train a whale until you first convince him on your intentions.'

 

Separate the person from the behavior.

Tell your nemesis that what they are doing bothers them.  For example: “When you interrupt me…, or when you laugh at me…, or when you ignore, I feel disrespected.  Don’t say,  “you’re rude, you’re fake, you’re a chauvinist.”   When people feel attacked they don’t cooperate.  You can expect to finish the same way you start.  If you start with an attack the dialogue will be filled with mutual attack.  When you start out calmly and rationally, you are more likely to get calm, rational behavior in response.  Of course, everyone doesn’t respond to kindness with kindness, but it’s a more successful way to begin a conversation.  Then, ask for the behavior you want.  Make a request.  Say something like:  “I would prefer that you refrain from name calling and character judgments when we speak”.   That’s different than telling someone:  “I need you to stop being a tyrant.”

 

Listen.

As you are making suggestion, voicing requests, and declaring expectation, you have an opportunity to listen and learn.   Again, this is a dialogue, one that you may have initiated but you don’t have to dominate.  It’s important to gain understanding of the other person’s thoughts, feelings, needs and rationale.  This is one of the key leadership principle Dale Carnegie teaches in How To Win Friends and Influence People.

Be Courageous. 

When dealing with the person with whom you have a strained relationship, low trust levels, and skepticism, you will need to be courageous.  Approaching it, addressing it and attacking it (the problem, not the person) takes a brave soul.  Your ‘adversary’ may be surprised or cynical or even unwilling to work through it.  However, the more you practice these steps with them, the more they will see your efforts are sincere.  Being courageous also means you won’t talk yourself out of it.  You may think you situation is hopeful, it can be repaired, these techniques might work for others, but what you’re dealing with is insurmountable.  To that argument I say, you might as well try anyway.  Don’t quit before you start!  If it doesn’t work, you’ve lost nothing.  But if it works, imagine the possibilities! 

Introverts can be Top Performers

Unfortunately, sometimes people make negative assumptions about those who are on the quieter side of the "Chatty Cathy" spectrum. Here we bust seven myths about quiet workers.

Myth No. 1: Quiet workers don't have a lot to offer
While this is a common misconception, quiet workers don't necessarily contribute less in a working environment than their chattier counterparts. Maya Townsend, founder of Boston-based management-consulting firm Partnering Resources, says that people often think that quiet workers are incapable of being credible sources of knowledge or serving as experts for an organization.

"Recently, I conducted an organizational network analysis with a client," Townsend says. "The leaders were surprised to discover that one of their quietest employees was actually deeply trusted and relied upon by his peers. He knew his stuff, and while he wasn't flashy about it, he was there when people needed him."

Myth No. 2: Quiet workers are shy
People often assume that quiet workers are shy. In reality, the way people behave at work doesn't necessarily reflect how they behave in their personal lives. Also, being quiet doesn't always originate from shyness.

Kera Greene, a career counselor at FEGS, a health and human-services provider based in New York, says it's not about being shy; it's about different personality types. "Quiet people are not necessarily shy. They may be introverts," Greene says. "Introverts prefer to work by themselves. They think better, work more efficiently and get energized that way. Extroverts accomplish the same goals by interacting with people. Shyness, or lack thereof, may actually have nothing to do with it."

Myth No. 3: Quiet workers aren't social
Quiet workers are often perceived as antisocial or as having few friends outside of work. If you're quiet at work, you might be the total opposite when you leave the office. While you may keep to yourself in a professional setting, your friends might consider you outgoing and quirky.

Myth No. 4: Quiet workers dislike their co-workers
If you're on the quieter side at work, it doesn't mean you dislike your colleagues. It's just a personality trait. Quiet people tend to communicate differently than outgoing people and have different comfort levels when it comes to social interaction.

Myth No. 5: Quiet workers think they're better than everyone else
Quiet workers may be perceived as snotty, but they might just be quiet. If you're an office extrovert, make an effort to get to know quieter co-workers. Try not to interpret their quiet nature as a negative quality. You might be surprised about how well you can work with them once you let go of assumptions and gain their trust.

Myth No. 6: Quiet workers are insecure
Quiet workers often get labeled as insecure about their skills. Being quiet is more of a personality trait and a comfort-level preference than a sign of low self-worth. Some workers let their work speak for itself, instead of bragging about their achievements. If extroverts pay enough attention, they will find that their quieter co-workers' contributions are on par with others in the organization.

Myth No. 7: Quiet people don't make good leaders
According to Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, executive coach and author of "The Introverted Leader," 40 percent of executives are introverts. "Introverts tend to be humble and not brag about themselves," she says. "They also take time to process their thoughts and are then incorrectly seen as slow or not 'go-getters.' We still hold a stereotype in Western cultures that leaders need to be aggressive and have Type-A personalities."

To better showcase their leadership skills, Kahnweiler suggests that quiet workers focus on increasing their visibility by getting involved in special interests groups, professional associations and community projects.

Key factors for retention of key talent

Attrition is a part of HR and a part of business. Some attrition is good and to be expected. But there are a number of key talent, or high performers in every organization that the organization cannot afford and doesn't want to loose.

There are dominate factors that affect an organization's ability to retain key talent. 

Those factors are:

Training – high performers need to know that the company is investing in them and concerned with their growth. Training prepared people to reach their full potential.

Feedback –this would include formal feedback such as performance appraisals as well as informal feedback and recognition.

Career planning and development – a known and communicated career path is important.

Engagement – key talent wants to be involved, included, informed and appreciated.

Compensation – Unless key talent is highly compensated --- not comparably or fairly, but highly --- there is an increased chance they will leave.

One strategist explains it this way. With an employee who is compensated below the midpoint of the salary range, there is a greater likelihood that she will be recruited by a different organization offering to pay her significantly more. A person, who is already compensated close to the maximum of the salary range is less attractive to the other organization simply because that organization cannot afford to make them an attractive salary offer.

An HR department has so many responsibilities: recruiting, filling jobs, training employees, managing employees, labor relations, health and safety, policies, diversity, planning, working conditions, analysis, and more. In all of this important work, we must not forget our key talent and what it takes to keep them.

What Makes a Good Boss? Even Kids Know!

I'm mentoring students at a local high school.  They are a bright, vibrant bunch.  Recently, I asked them to name their favorite teachers and they did without hesitation.  I then asked them why those teachers are their favorites.  

They told me their favorite teachers:  

Are FUN,
Are funny
Make the work interesting
Treat students with respect 
Are easy to talk to
Maintain control in the classroom. 

I asked them if they think these would be great attributes for a boss to have.  They agreed wholeheartedly.   So, I gave them this advice:

WHEN YOU BECOME A BOSS develop those same characteristics in yourself. 

• Look for ways to make the work fun and interested.  Assign people work that they enjoy and that will help them grow.  
• Be respectful and trustworthy in your communications.  People need to know that you have their back, and that you won't say derogatory things behind their back.
• Employ an open door policy.   That means not only having an open door, but an open mind.   It means listening, caring, and guiding as well.
• Provide your staff with the direction and support they need.   They will differ by person and situation.  
• Be the leader they can count on.

I think that's good advice for all of us!

Harboring a Closed Culture?

Recently,  I read an article that describes HR professionals as “stewards of organizational talent.” This means they are also stewards of organizational culture. An organization’s culture can be inviting and open, allowing people of divergent backgrounds to belong and thrive. On the other hand, an organization’s culture can be narrow and exclusive, accepting only those behaviors and ideas that fit the norm.  Worse still, organizational cultures can be so fragmented that each department has its own culture.  In my role as a consultant, I’ve seen this scenario many times.  It leaves disillusioned employees saying “I work for a great company, but I just don’t like the environment in my department.”  As a result, each department has its own reputation as well.  Accounting won’t work with customer service because the customer service department is seen is lazy.  Sales isn't interested in collaborating with Operations because Operations is seen as unfriendly.  Etc.    

For the fiscal and relational health of the organization, silos need to be broken. 
Professionals in talent acquisition often talk about finding candidates who fit in the organization culture.   That begs the question:  If we only hire those who “fit in” aren’t we guilty of perpetuating a “closed” culture?   This is not to suggest that recruiters should select candidates who contrast or oppose the company’s values and mission.  This could certainly lead to disengagement and ultimate failure. 

How, then, do we support cultural fit while embracing diversity? 

One way is to focus on competencies that are important to the organization – competencies such as creativity, initiative, leadership, or collaboration.  Further, make sure those competencies are not antiquated or ‘favors of the month.’  Instead hiring should be based on competencies that support the organization’s vision and goals.  If the organization, for example, has goals to increase market share by a certain percentage or increase community visibility, relationship building might be an important competency.  But, still, it probably isn’t essential for every position in the organization.   Therefore, hiring criteria should be job specific. 

Bottom line is, as companies acquire new talent, job fit and organizational fit must a part of the selection strategy.  This leads to achieving alignment; as well as individual and corporate success.