Effectively Address, Manage and Resolve Conflicts

Conflict resolution IS NOT conflict avoidance.  Differences of opinion are great,  we shouldn’t avoid them.  However, we do need to manage them so they don’t lead to discord or dispute.  When the issue at hand is important to you, you will naturally want to compete. You want to win. You want to be right.  When the relationship is important to you, you will tend to accommodate, that is, give in to the other party, forgoing what you want.  If the issue and the relationship are important, you will need to collaborate and compromise. 

Here’s a simple real-life example.   Your spouse wants Mexican food for dinner and you want Chinese.  You accommodate because the relationship with your spouse is important and the issue of what to have for dinner is not important.  So you’re having Mexican for dinner… again.

Conversely,  your spouse wants to move to Canada for a new job.  The marital relationship is, of course, important.  But this time, the issue is very important, as well.  In this case you will collaborate and compromise.  There is a discussion that needs to take place in which both parties express their interests, needs, feelings, and fears. 

Like an iceberg, sometimes the largest portion of the problem is beneath the surface.  We have to go below “see” level to get at the real issue.  This takes some root cause analysis and fact finding.   For example:  John come to you and says  “I can’t work with Alice any more.  She is rude and disrespectful.”    As you probe you might find that Alice rejected and belittled a few of John ideas.  That resulted in John believing that Alice is rude and disrespectful.  You could find out the history behind the issue – other instances or occurrences between them that might be adding fuel to this fire.   As mentioned earlier, both parties have interests, needs, feelings, fears, and frustrations.  It’s clear that this issue is important.  John may need help seeing that his relationship with Alice is also important – he will have to work with Alice continually and count on her for various aspects of his assignments.  As you help John prepare to confront this issue with Alice, ask him to describe his side of the situation.  THEN, ask him to think about Alice’s interests, needs, feelings, fears, and frustrations  John will need to pursue a frank discussion with Alice, being honest about what he sees as the issues.   He will need to attack the issue but NOT Alice.  His confrontation can’t include begrudging or disparaging remarks about her behavior, character, or ethics.  He must be upfront about his intention to resolve the issue and reach a mutually agreeable solution.  Then John and Alice will frankly discuss their interests, needs, feelings, fears, and frustrations. 

This is an opportunity to collaborate and compromise.  Unless both parties give, both parties can not win.